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UK - Hitman? Drug mule? All jobs considered

18 March 2014

Following the above article about the possible closure of Universal Jobmatch the Guardian journalist John Cracehas published three of the listed jobs that almost definitely weren't real, or at least we hope so:

MI6 target elimination specialist: Seasoned jobseekers will have quickly spotted this one was a hoax. The clue was in the word "specialist". There is no shortage of work for professional hitmen, but the best are recruited by word of mouth, not via government websites. Universal Jobmatch was designed more for entry-level applicants. Had the ad asked for trainee assassins looking to upgrade their skills from simply menacing people, it would have been more convincing.

International courier for CosaNostra Holdings: Thanks to Britain's involvement in Afghanistan, the opium poppy crop is expected to reach record levels this year. So there has been an increase in opportunities for people looking to make a career couriering drugs. Prospective applicants must have a stomach capable of holding up to 40 condoms full of heroin, so anyone who has had a gastric band fitted should not apply. Applicants should also enjoy foreign travel as they may have to spend 25 years in an overseas jail.

Female presenter to "host internet babe chat": For obvious reasons, this advert failed to meet the government's gender equality guidance. It was therefore taken down immediately when someone finally noticed it six months later.

And here are two job ads that should have been real, but weren't again according to the Guardian:

Web designer: To work with the government on building a job recruitment site that isn't full of scams.

Audit officer: To make sure the government doesn't waste millions of pounds on a useless website at the same time as cutting public services elsewhere. Iain Duncan Smith need not apply.

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